AND THE AWARD GOES TO...
The New Sunday Express - December 25, 2005

Best Film of 2005? Best Actor? Best Actress? Naah. These are the categories that really matter, says Baradwaj Rangan.

Bachchan of the Year: Awarded to Amitabh. From the operatic theatrics of Black to the studied silences in Sarkar, from the sly one-upmanship of Bunty Aur Babli to the angsty self-exploration in Viruddh, from the action-fantasy pulp of Ek Ajnabee to the graceful guest appearance in the Kannada film Amrita Dhare, the Big B covered more thesping ground this one year than most actors manage in a lifetime.

Bachchan of the Year, Runner-up: Awarded to Abhishek, who showed he could do intensity (Sarkar) as well as irreverence (Bluffmaster, Bunty Aur Babli), and please critics as well as audiences. Now that he’s proved a point, could he please get himself a shave?

Medical Condition of the Year: Awarded to Mental Illness, which was a rage especially in Tamil Nadu. The biggest hits – Anniyan, Chandramukhi, Ghajini – were all based on variations of people losing (or at least misplacing) their minds.

Medical Condition of the Year, Runner-up: Awarded to History-o-phobia. Anything dealing with subjects from the past – Bose, Maine Gandhi Ko Nahin Mara, Taj Mahal – made people avoid theatres like the plague. Even Mangal Pandey was a disappointment.

Medical Condition of the Year, Second Runner-up: Awarded to Flatulence, as displayed in the “No Fart Zone” sticker outside a bathroom in Salaam Namaste. That’s how you know bodily-function humour has arrived in our cinema – when it shows up in a Yash Chopra production starring multiplex darlings Saif Ali Khan and Preity Zinta.

Producer’s Darling of the Year: Awarded to Mammooty. The man just can’t stop giving hits — Rajamanickam, Thommanum Makkalum, Nerariyan CBI, Thaskaraveran...

Producer’s Darling of the Year, Runner-up: Awarded to Tanushree Dutta, who clearly waived her right to a costume budget. No one who saw Aashiq Banaya Aapne or Chocolate remembers anything about the movies. They were too busy watching her scraps of clothing battle gravity.

Parents’ Darling of the Year: Awarded to Cheran, whose Tamil film Thavamai Thavamirundhu is reducing audiences to sobs with its touching depiction of what it means to live for your children.

Daddy-Mummy of the Year: Awarded to Dharmendra and Hema Malini, who seem surprisingly supportive of every move of daughter Esha, including her decision to become buff-bodied Cleavage Queen in films like Kaal.

Person Most in Need of a Transfer Order: Awarded to Prakash Jha. Apaharan wasn’t bad, but his Bihar-based films are beginning to look and feel awfully similar. There are 28 other states in the country. Pick one!

Person Most in Need of Combat Training: Awarded, in no particular order, to Priyanka Chopra (Blackmail, Yakeen), Ajay Devgan (Blackmail, Main Aisa Hi Hoon) and Bobby Deol (Barsaat, Jurm). They clearly need to be taught how to steer clear of bombs.

Person Most in Need of a PR Firm: Awarded to Kamal Haasan, whose Mumbai Xpress was marketed as a rollicking comedy, and therefore turned off audiences who sat through a Pushpak-like dramedy instead. Thankfully, at least his return to Kannada cinema, with Rama Shama Bhama, is showing signs of creating box-office records.

Person Most in Need of an Audience: Awarded jointly to Telugu superstars Venkatesh (Subhash Chandra Bose), Nagarjuna (Super) and Mohanbabu (Political Rowdy). They found their big-budget ventures being trounced at the box office by less expensive, more exciting fare like Anukokunda Oka Roju and A Film By Arvind.

Person Most in Need of an Audience Verdict: Awarded to Mohanlal. He had two hits (Udayananu Tharam and Naran) and cancelled out their impact with two misses (Udayon and Chandraolsavam). So, do they like him, or don’t they?

Person Least in Need of Numerology: Awarded to Vivek Oberoi, who changed his name to Viveik Annand Oberoi, but then discovered that nothing could save disasters like Kisna and Home Delivery.

Best Reason Not to Watch Movies on DVD: Awarded jointly to Paheli, Parineeta and Black, whose visual ravishments needed not just any screen, but a 70mm format. Anything less would have been a crime.

Best Reason to Watch Movies Only on DVD: Awarded to Mr. Ya Miss. Enough said.

Best Reason to Love Tamil Audiences: Awarded jointly to Arindhum Ariyamalum, Kanda Naal Mudhal and Ullam Ketkumae – refreshingly upmarket fare that became surprise hits. At last, it looks like the smart, sassy feel of Dil Chahta Hai is getting noticed in regional cinema.

Best Reason to Love Kannada Audiences: Awarded jointly to Akash, Gowramma, Amrita Dhare, Auto Shankar, Namma Basava, Jogi, Ayya, Deadly Soma and Shastri. It’s been a long while since so many films managed hundredth-day celebrations.

Best Reason for Tamil Stars to Love Telugu Audiences: Awarded to the phenomenon known as Dubbing. Save the odd Nuvvostanante Nenoddantana or Evadi Gola Vadide, the big hits in Andhra Pradesh this year were Chandramukhi, Aparichitudu, Ghajini and the recent Aaru – all imported from Tamil Nadu.

Best Reason for Telugu Audiences to Not Love Telugu Film Producers: Awarded to the decision to double ticket prices for the megastar movies, beginning with Chiranjeevi’s Jai Chiranjeeva. This will apparently help the producers, who incur heavy losses due to video piracy – but what about the heavy losses to the public?

Best Reason to Cast a Khan: Awarded to Salman, whose love affair with the box office shows no signs of cooling off. Lucky, Maine Pyaar Kyun Kiya, No Entry... even the so-called bomb Kyon Ki managed a bigger opening weekend than many other so-called hits.

Best Reason Not to Cast a Khan: Awarded to Akshay Kumar. With successes like Waqt and Garam Masala (even Bewafaa scraped through to average status), he’s become the hottest thing at the ticket counters since Shah Rukh, Salman and Aamir. Okay, okay, we’ll say it – he’s now a major box-office khiladi.

Size-doesn’t-matter of the Year: Awarded jointly to Iqbal, Yahaan and My Brother Nikhil, for proving that you don’t need big budgets to make memorable movies; you just need a big heart.

Size-does-matter of the Year: Awarded jointly to Mahesh Bhatt (Kalyug) and Pooja Bhatt (Rog), who apparently won’t greenlight a script unless it’s got a steamy lovemaking sequence.

Newcomer of the Year, Male: Awarded to Suresh Gopi, who reinvented himself and staged a stunning comeback with Bharathchandran IPS.

Newcomer of the Year, Female: Awarded to Dilip. He played a man with a woman’s mannerisms in Chandupottu, and managed to draw both men and women to theatres.

Goodbye Girl of the Year: Awarded to Parveen Babi, former heartthrob of millions, who was reduced to a lonely corpse in a locked house.

Hello-and-goodbye Girl of the Year: Awarded to Chitrangada Singh, whose mysterious allure made heads turn in Kal - Yesterday & Tomorrow and, especially, the wonderfully evocative Hazaaron Khwaishein Aisi. Then, equally mysteriously, she bid farewell to films.

Buy-one-get-one-free of the Year: Awarded jointly to Naina and Nazar – both thrillers, both featuring women with some sort of ESP, and both with a scene where a doctor opens a bandage around the heroine’s eyes only to reveal (gasp!) a full layer of makeup beneath. If you bought tickets for one, by default you’d have watched the other. Unfortunately, audiences bought tickets for neither.

Buy-one-get-one-free of the Year, Runner-up: Awarded jointly to the Vijay starrers Thirupachi and Sivakasi. A photocopy machine couldn’t have done a better job of replication.

Exporter of the Year: Awarded to the state of Kerala, which beat Mumbai in the sheer number of actresses sent across to Tamil cinema. Nayantara, Renuka Menon, Nitya Das, Asin...

And finally, the Ram Gopal Varma Productivity Prize: Awarded to, uh, Ram Gopal Varma, whose company brought out Sarkar, My Wife’s Murder, James and D – four solid examples of creativity within mainstream parameters. His production outfit may be called The Factory, but there was nothing mass-manufactured about these items.